My name is Nancy Guerrera and I am the card carrying human being behind the wheel of this here rig. I like to think that I am uniquely qualified to call myself the Goddess of the Road and am the consummate Patroness Saint for life's winding and twisted journey for a few reasons.
The first of which is that I was actually born in a car. It's true. I was born in the back seat of the car on the way to the hospital. Apparently, I was more than ready to move on out of that womb and I just didn't need all that sterility and professional staff that awaited me indoors. My Mom, I imagine, was probably pretty happy to be doing it on our own and getting through it all as quick as possible because she herself probably had places to go and things to do that she would like to have been heading on to. My Dad, I imagine, must have been freaking out a bit because we, however intentionally or unintentionally, weren't following the rules or the plan for how my arrival was supposed to go down. But, I bet he also handled it like a pro once he realized there was no way he could change the inevitable and needed to go with the flow. The car was a 1969 Ford 4 door LTD Hardtop sedan with black top and a tan body, in case you were wondering, my Dad's brand new company car.
Reason number two why you might not mind me riding along in the jump seat, is that my impatience and desire to get THERE already and not being happy with where I am (as evidenced by the aforementioned early arrival story) has sent me driving over thousands of potholes, spending more time than I like to admit completely turned around and lost, sidetracking, backtracking and off-roading, as well as, in a couple of complete old fashioned roadside SOS style breakdowns. The countless annoying popped off hubcaps and flat tires, well, they just go without saying.
"What's so desirable about that," you may be asking.
Well, to translate, I have become GREAT at being completely lost and finding my way through all kinds of terrain despite all kinds of setbacks and obstacles. I can and have weathered myriad undesirable situations on the road and am here, alive and thriving, to tell the tale and continue onward, with a modicum of humor intact to boot.
I get it. This human life can be hard.
I always believed I had SO far to go.
So much to work on.
So much to improve.
So much to fix about myself.
So much to correct, alter, tweak, put into place, put into action, put in the past, get over, get past, get beyond, get right, get rid of, create, make happen, organize, learn and do…
So I tried over and over in a hundred thousand different ways to do all those things I thought I needed to do. I tried to make all those changes. I tried to whip myself into shape. I twisted and contorted myself as best I could with the driving hope that if I did…I might finally arrive THERE.
Ahhh, the magical destination called THERE. That Golden Land. That special place beyond reproach and self loathing and rejection. The place where, if I could just sweat and toil hard enough to get myself THERE, would mean I would be finally be done working on myself and become Officially Good Enough.
I thought if I could get THERE, I could finally put down the hammers, the ratchet and socket set, the wrenches, the screwdriver and stop hoisting myself up to get around and under to work on my chassis. I would be able to bask in some freedom and glory and enjoyment.
I believed if I worked hard enough to get myself THERE…I would finally redeem myself.
I would earn the approval I sought, get the love I wanted and have a rightful seat at the Royal Round Table of the Deserving and the Worthy.
So, I spent a ton of energy and effort trying to get myself THERE.
However, eventually I began to notice that every time I got close enough to getting THERE and thought I'd be rolling right on into town, THERE would play a trick on me and move. It would disappear like a mirage and reappear again somewhere off in the distance farther out.
Now, if you've also driven long distances on road trips, then you can probably also attest to the fact that road can and does play some tricks on you. When this would happen, I'd blame highway hypnosis, tell myself I must have been mistaken and would take the minimal time needed to rid myself of just enough of the disorientation to be able to grab the wheel again and head back out on the road, continuing the drive onward, trying harder, wavering between boundless determination and measureless weariness, attempting to hurry up, make up for lost time and for crissakes just get THERE already.
"Are we there yet," I wondered over and over and over.
I'm became so sick and tired...and while suspect, I didn't quite understand and know yet that THERE was entirely a figment of my imagination. An illusion. A delusion created out of my thirsty soul. A thirsty soul that turned into a dying soul with each disappointing attempt to arrive THERE, a promised land that doesn’t exist.
Driving myself crazy to get THERE was a one way road to misery with many dark and lonely nights and days.
Trying to get myself THERE left me empty, unfulfilled and downright ill at times.
I've been through a lot.
I'm here to tell the tale though. And, while I have never gotten THERE, I have arrived HERE instead.
And HERE, I can honestly say, is infinitely better. I've weathered the road and have decidedly given up trying to get THERE. I am human though, card carrying as I stated at the top, and, therefore, in my divine imperfection at times notice myself hopping in the car for a nostalgic drive trying to get THERE.
But that is also the point.
HERE is beautiful because it allows for that too. It is SO MUCH better than THERE because all of you can show up and be welcomed. Exactly as you are. No matter what. No need to change a thing. There are hugs and joy is available to greet you.
HERE is home. And no matter how many times you leave it, you are always welcomed back with open arms.
HERE is where it’s at. It contains all the magic of the universe.
What I've learned in focusing on being HERE instead of trying to get to THERE is that part of the crazy magic of traveling HERE is that if you can be HERE you will also get where you want to go.
HERE moves with you!
It is a home on the road. You take it with you and it actually lightens the load.
So, circling back to why I feel I can dub myself Goddess of the Road, another reason for that and, not least of which, is that I'm both an example of what's possible and yet I still have places I'd like to go.
I'm not where I want to be yet. I have huge dreams that I'd like to realize while still on this earth in this lifetime. I want to wander life as far and as wide as I can. I want to do my best, be my best and have so many things populating my list of things I'd like to do, try, achieve, learn and succeed at in the way I choose to define that.
I believe our life is best lived as the Fool's journey, with all our hearts, or as Joseph Campbell puts it more eloquently, "the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." I think we all should give ourselves endless chances to live the life of our dreams and I'm not talking about the superficial culturally populated autofill dreams we internalize here but the hot magma bubbling oozing dreams that live deep in our souls and in our hearts that our essence and Spirit long to experience.
So, dear human being fellow traveler, if you also want to get there via HERE. Then, I’m your pal.
I hope in sharing my stories and my process you may feel a kindred spirit and smile with a knowing "me too".
As Goddess of the Road, I hope you'll hang out with me HERE as often as you like. It's here on these pages I'll share my process and my learning. No holds barred. It has taken not a proverbial but a literal village to raise this here child. I'm excited to share who and what's been helpful for me and why as well as share stories from my continued exploration and growth.
And, oh wait! I almost forgot! One last reason I feel pretty confident embracing myself as Goddess of the Road, and it's no toss away - it's quite essential actually, is that I've got some awesome tunes and playlists we can listen to and sing along with as well.
My parting words to you are the words of my own advice to myself:
Live with all your Heart, Wild One. You are a force of nature and I think you're beautiful and amazing.
See you soon! Thanks for hanging out!